I have a dog that's really big
I need to buy a better rig.
My SUV has quite good points,
But such tall cars are hard on joints.
When big dogs jump, it hurts their knees.
I need a car lower than these.

Sally and her big dog Finnegan.

So off I go to seek a car
At auto dealers near and far:
What would be low to the ground
To make it easy for my hound?

I ask dealers, they don't know --
MINVANS are all they show.
Every salesman was obtuse.
It sounded just like Dr. Seuss.

Here's a handsome minivan!
Sorry, that's just not my plan.
Would you drive it here or there?
I would not drive it anywhere!
I will not drive a minivan,
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Would you drive it to the coast?
Maybe to a wiener roast?
Would you drive it here or there?
I would not drive it anywhere!
I will not drive a minivan,
That idea's for the garbage can.

Perhaps, says he, you'd like one blue!
This silver is a fetching hue!
And check out this great stereo --
A peppy V-6 makes it go!

Minivans: I do not like them, Sam-I-am!

I would not like one blue or red
You haven't heard a word I've said!
I will not drive a minivan.
It's not part of my game plan.

It's not your mother's minivan,
He claims, I've never been a fan.
But THIS year's model's sexy, fast,
Not like models from years past.

I will not drive one, fast or slow.
Regardless of the stereo.
I will not drive one white or green,
I'm just not willing to be seen!

I will not drive it to the coast
Nor drive it to a wiener roast.
I will not drive it here or there.

I would not drive it anywhere!
I will not drive a minivan,
I do not like them, Dealer Man.

I start to weaken, ask a pal:
Am I a minivan-type gal?
They're practical, we all agree.
But would you drive one? No, not me.

Author with her new rig!

At forty-six, I'm not "da bomb,"
But I'm sure not a Soccer Mom!
The color doesn't change my mind
Nor fancy features you can find.
It matters not the seating plan --
It is still a minivan!

I will not drive it to the coast
Nor drive it to a wiener roast.
I will not drive it here or there.
I would not drive it anywhere!
I will not drive a minivan,
I do not like them, Dealer Man.

Sally O'Neal is the proud owner of a new Honda Element, which is NOT a minivan, but is low to the ground and easily accessible for her Irish wolfhound. She writes weekly for Sportsmansguide.com.